“Do you have any kids?”… When you have lost your baby… your only baby… this question is no longer simple. It carries a whole new meaning. It was powerless before, but now can spark a wide range of emotions. I was so nervous to be asked this question for the first time. What feelings would arise? Would I cry? Would I give the “wrong” answer out of habit or panic? What if I become physically upset?
Well… Today was the day I was asked that question for the first time. I can’t describe the emotions I felt. It seemed to be a mixture of them. It was asked by a girl who I just started working with (We work with toddlers together every Wednesday at church.). I knew the question had to come up eventually. I was so relieved that it finally did. I was so relieved it was asked by someone I am building a new friendship with. There was slight panic inside still, but I gave the “right” answer, the answer I knew I wanted to give when asked. I simply replied, “Yes, but she passed away.” It felt so good to acknowledge her to someone who has never heard our story. I did start to become a little teary eyed, but I was able to keep my composure. My new friend was instantly taken back. She apologized for my loss and obviously had some guilt for asking the questions. I assured her that it was ok and that I was glad she asked. I truly am, because I want the world to acknowledge Hannah and know who she is.
I didn’t tell her our story. I just couldn’t yet. It’s different for me talking about Hannah and sharing our story to someone I know or online than it is talking to a stranger or a new friends. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s the look of sadness, shock, and devastation on their faces. They acknowledge my pain without saying a word or knowing our story. The emotions are very raw and I need to take small steps sharing our story and talking about Hannah to new people. If I’m asked questions then I will answer them. I just may get upset and cry, but you know what, that’s ok!