Set me free from my prison, that I may praise Your name.
1. How do you feel guilty or blame yourself for the loss of your child?
Right after Hannah’s fatal diagnosis I instantly beginning thinking of things I had done that may have caused her condition. However, it soon became very clear that I had no control over it. Her diagnosis was completely random. I did everything I could to do the right during my pregnancy. I ate right, stayed away from chemicals, exercised, avoided medicines that weren’t safe during pregnancy, didn’t drink alcohol, got plenty of rest, went to all my doctors appointments, took my prenatal vitamins, etc. There was nothing else I could have done and in the end Turner Syndrome claimed Hannah’s life. Even the best doctors in the world couldn’t do anything to save her.
Though, sometimes I still feel guilty that I caused her to pass away sooner. Was I too stressed about her fatal diagnosis, knowing that she was going to die? Did my anxiety disorder cause her to pass away sooner? If I just controlled my stress and anxiety maybe Hannah would have had more time. Maybe she would have been born alive. I must remind myself that I had no control over the situation. Doctors told me that they didn’t expect Hannah to make it to her 26th week. Doctors didn’t think that Hannah would be born alive. I’m still learning not to blame myself. I have forgiven myself multiple times, but unforgiveness seems to always find it’s way back in.
God was in control. God is still in control. I will continue to turn to Him and ask Him to help me through this blame and unforgiveness every time it creeps back in.
2. Have you forgiven yourself? If not, maybe it’s time to share your feelings with God. Read 1 John 1:9.
Forgiving myself is an ongoing process. Some days I have forgiven myself and others days I haven’t.
3. Now personalize 1 John 1:9: I confess my sin of blaming myself for __________. God is faithful and just and has forgiven me for my sin and purified me from all unrighteousness. I am forgiven! Date_______________________.
I confess my sin of blaming myself for Hannah passing away in her 24th week. God is faithful and just and has forgiven me for my sin and purified me from all unrighteousness, I am forgiven! Date March 25th, 2013.
4. Live forgiven. The next time you are tempted to blame yourself for the loss of your child, refer to this page.