I had a post planned for today about my Happy Box and everything that is in it. I was writing it this morning, and honestly, I am just not happy today. It’s one of THOSE days.
Being a Mother of loss is like being on Tower of Terror at Disney- you never know when the floor is just going to drop out. You never know when the world will flip upside down or stop spinning on you. I still have days where I can go from happy to crying in less than 5 seconds. It’s completely normal- but so frustrating.
Yesterday was a great day! I had a good day at work, started my new fitness program, went for an amazing walk in nature with Heather, her Mom, and her Mom’s friend, and got in a good workout at home. I felt completely happy and my pain was far away.
Today, my day started by waking up 45 minutes late, which may be part of the reason for this off day. I started moving things on my dresser and ran across the “Coming Home” outfit and hat I had purchased with Heather, in memory of my little ones and it overwhelmed me. Usually, the outfit brings me comfort and peace- knowing my babies’ sibling(s) will someday wear it. Today- I sat down and cried for a good 20 minutes.
The rest of the day was filled with triggers- lots of pregnant women at my office, pregnancy announcements on facebook, birth announcements on twitter, a coworker bringing in her 3 month old daughter, e-mails about diaper coupons…. you name it, it happened today. I can feel my pain bubbling at the surface and I know I just need to take the evening to work through my emotions.
I am going to go on a walk with my husband and our dogs and enjoy this beautiful weather. As we walk, I am going to soak up the sun, watch the sun set, say a little prayer to God, and remind myself that I have 4 angels in Heaven watching over me every day. I have so many reasons to push on and live my life in their honor, in God’s honor.
I know I’m not alone. I know we all experience these days. I think the most important piece of advice I have on days like this is to work through your emotions. Acknowledge them, give yourself permission to feel and express them, and then remind yourself why you are blessed.
Thank you for hanging in their with me. I promise Thursday will be a happy post and I will share everything in my Happy Box with you!