As I did these two devotionals on forgiveness and unforgiveness I was sure that I had forgiven those that hurt me. I couldn’t be more wrong. The unforgiveness towards two people in my life just boiled up inside me. I was angry… no I was furious. I hate this feeling, but I couldn’t control it and it came out of nowhere. I didn’t expect it at all. I thought all my feelings on forgiveness and unforgiveness were resolved. Here I am back at the beginning.
Why should I care about this person who never called, sent a card, or even came to Hannah’s funeral?! Why should I care about the person who was selfish in our time of desperation in planning the burial of our Baby Girl?!
I’m still angry at them. I wish I could make this anger go away. I wish there was an instant fix, but there’s not. I don’t want to be around them. I don’t care if I see them. I don’t care to hear from them or hear about them.
I don’t expect an apology from them ever. They don’t think they did anything wrong. But it’s not about getting an apology from them. It’s about me forgiving them and releasing this resentment and anger. It’s between me and God. I can’t control the actions of others, but I can work on myself and control my actions with God’s help.
Underneath this anger is hurt. These people hurt me deeply. The wounds are still fresh and raw. How could they do these things? I thought they loved and cared about us?
I decided that I needed to revisit these two devotionals. I need God’s help to forgive. I needs God’s help to let go and release this anger.
Father, forgive them for they do not know what they are doing.
Search me, O God, and know my heart: test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
Write these words in red letters over your list of names. Tear up the paper and throw it away.