Permanent Grief and Sadness
by Heather Kimble
Once a person goes through all 5 stages of grief, that doesn’t mean these stages will not appear again in the future. Sometimes certain stages will take longer to work through. There’s no time limit. It’s important to go through each stage and not try to avoid them, no a matter how painful or uncomfortable they may be. I believe that grief and this sadness will never go away.
Definition of Grief: deep sadness caused especially by someone’s death; a cause of deep sadness; trouble or annoyance
Stages of Grief (there is no correct order of stages): Anger
Denial and Isolation
Definition of Sadness: affected with or expressive of grief or unhappiness; causing or associated with grief or unhappiness; of little worth
Definition of Depression: a state of feeling sad; a psychoneuric or psychotic disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, and sometimes suicidal tendencies
Sadness vs. Depression
Duration of sadness – May last a few days or go in and out vs. all day everyday for two weeks or more.
Appetite – may go up or down and little bit vs. a significant change, more or less than usual
Sleep – may go up or down and little bit vs. a significant change, more or less than usual
Crying – some crying vs. wanting to cry but can’t, or crying uncontrollably all the time
Others characteristic that go along with depression and not sadness – thoughts of being punished and agitation
Everyday I wake up and live with the fact that my baby girl is dead. Yes, I know that “dead” is a harsh word but it’s the harsh reality. I will never hold her again, watch her grow into a beautiful young lady, take her shopping, see her go to school, see her graduate, watch her walk down the aisle at her wedding, be a grandmother to the beautiful babies she would have, kiss her cheeks, hold her hand, hear her cry, cry with her when she is hurting, listen to her when she needs someone to talk to, see her smile, see her laugh, laugh with her, play with her, teach her to drive a car and bike, watch her play dress up, enjoy sports (especially the cowboys) with her Daddy, play all type of video games with her Daddy, teach her how to do her makeup and style her hair, and the list just goes on and on. I will NEVER have her again on this earth. I want her back every single day. Every night I hope that I will get to see her in my dreams. Even if it’s only a small glimpse. I think about her countless times during the day.
I’m sad every single day and night at various times throughout. Sometimes the sadness only lasts moments, while other times I completely breakdown for hours. At times the sadness is triggered by my thoughts alone and other times the sadness is triggered by the environment around me; like seeing a happy thriving child with special needs or seeing a list of the names of babies who have passed away at the end of a baby loss movie. Sadness affects me more on some days than others. There are days the sadness is so strong that it’s hard to get out of bed in the morning. It’s so painful both emotionally and physically. And it will always be there for the rest of my life. Hannah’s death affects my every moment.
A few weeks ago, while at work, I truly realized that grief and sadness are a part of the rest of my life. There is no end. That fact really hit me hard. I was naturally looking for an end result and there is none. Grief and sadness are now just there almost like they always were there. They are part of my new normal. I don’t remember what it’s like not to have them every single day. There’s no resolution of grief or this sadness on this earth. There’s only the promise that I will see and hold Hannah again in Heaven.
It may be a surprise and strange to some, but I’m so relieved grief and sadness are a permanent part of my life. I was terrified when the grief went away so would the memory of Hannah and everything I feel towards her. That somehow the love I have for her would just end and never really come back; That I would not longer miss her. All the memories I have of Hannah would no longer exist. See baby loss survivors can’t create memories the same way as parents with their living children can, because our babies aren’t alive anymore. Some ways of making memories may be similar, but never the same. The memories I have and make are nothing like those of moms with living children. So, for all of that I welcome the grief and sadness, because it shows how much I love Hannah and that she is my baby girl.
I realize that many people won’t understand and have many misconceptions about grief. I can’t control them, I can only control myself and continue to pray for Gods’ guidance.