The Guilt of Joy
On June 21st, was the concert. We had such a great time and had some interesting encounters, but we welcomed them all. We were just so excited to be there we felt like we were 12 years old again! Victoria and I were singing, dancing, screaming, smiling, and having such an awesome time. Then it hit me, how can I be enjoying life, enjoying this moment, when my baby died? I immediately felt guilty and my heart began to ache. How is it ok for me to feel joy when I have experienced a parents worst nightmare? When she can’t be here to enjoy life with me?
I even feel guilty when I post about my joy on Facebook.
To be honest, I don’t know how to deal with this. I know that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with feeling joy, but that doesn’t make a difference to me. Logically it’s ok, but emotionally it hurts so much and feels so wrong. The fact doesn’t change that I’m glad I went and had a good time. I don’t regret going at all. I guess that’s all I can do, just keep moving forward and allow myself to feel joy. Even though it kills me inside.
At the end of the concert we went to the merchandise table and they had a Backstreet Boys onesie. And that is what I purchased for Hannah.