When Enough is Too Much – Victoria’s Story
by Victoria Salerno
There is so much that happens in your life after a loss, things you never even *think* about. I promised Heather and all of you when I joined that I would be 100% honest and share everything, good and bad, easy and difficult.
The last two days have been d.i.f.f.i.c.u.l.t. Both days ended in tears and little sleep after hard conversations with my husband. If you had asked me five years ago if I would ever have to discuss the possibility of us not having our own children, I probably would have looked at you as though you had five heads.
Behold I will create new heavens and a new earth. The former things will not be remembered, nor will they come to mind, But be glad and rejoice forever in what I will create.
1. The gallery of your life is filled with emotional paintings. Share about your painting for each of the stages of your journey – Hiding, Suffering, Questioning, and so on.
Hiding – A black hole painted with black, grays, and charcoal colors. Subtle hints of whites throughout – God is ALWAYS there.
Suffering – The heart is broken into two pieces. It’s covered in blood. The is empty, but the emptiness represents the excruciating pain. The heart is on a white background – God is ALWAYS there.
Questioning – A black question mark surrounding by all of my unanswered questions. God is ALWAYS there.
Forgiving – The sky over the ocean. The first half is bright, colorful, and beautiful as the sun is shining and the water sparkles. The second half is dark, void of most color, but in the corner the moonlight is shining, providing light in the darkness – God is ALWAYS there.
Relating – Two people embracing with a hug. Sometimes that is all that is needed – God is ALWAYS there.
Seeking – God’s right hand reaching down from the Heavens to me; to hold my hand and guide me – God is ALWAYS there.
2. Now examine each painting. Do you see God there? Contemplate His strength in each of those areas. Praise Him for who He is. With your new eyes, perhaps a few new brush strokes are in order.
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my right hand.
1. Is your past holding you captive from your future? If so, how?
I don’t think so. I am continually taking steps forward. That’s the only way to go. I struggle a lot and there are times I don’t want to take anymore steps. This isn’t easy and I refuse to leave Hannah in the past. She is apart of my past, present, and future.
2. God wants to strengthen you and help you. In what ways can you allow Him to hold your hand? In what ways can you allow others to hold your hand?
I have made the conscious decision the day Hannah was given a fatal diagnosis that I would not be angry at God. I knew I needed Him more than ever and I turned to Him. He is walking with me through this journey God understands my pain, fears, and anger.
I hate asking for help but I’m only human and I know I can’t do this on my own. I have let people in. I allow people to follow me on this journey as I walk through it. Their prayers are powerful. People are holding my hand tightly every time they say a prayer for us, think of us, ask how we are, send a message, talk about Hannah, spend time with me, and talk to me.
Seeking: to search for; request, aim, or try