Why Am I So Angry? – Day 12

Ephesians 4:31

Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger.

1. How have you recently expressed healthy, righteous anger over your loss? Unhealthy anger?

About a month ago my husband and I were both angry over our loss. We got into and argument about something else and it got very emotional. We gave each other space. We each separately just cried out to God, screamed, and just broke down. Our anger didn’t have to do with that argument, but it had everything to do with the loss of Hannah.

I hate the feeling of being angry so I try to just push it to the side. I’m not sure where is goes, but I know I can’t keep it there and let it build up. The anger will come out eventually there’s no question about that. I can’t allow it build up and get worse and worse.

2. What do you feel is behind your anger? Disappointment? Envy? Expectations? Guilt? Physical exhaustion? Fear? Rejection?

All of the above. Just at different times since Hannah was given and fatal diagnosis.

3. Tell God how you feel. Write a letter to Him and share your heart.

Dear God,

I’m not angry directly at you, but I am angry this had to happen. I’m angry my little girl died. I’m angry she wasn’t healed. I’m angry that she was stillborn. I’m angry that since she never took a breath the federal government doesn’t recognize her.

I am also thankful for your love and guidance. I’m thankful you allowed Hannah’s life to touch so many people. I’m thankful that she will receive a birth certificate and be recognized by the state. I’m thankful for the connections and new friends I have made through the loss of Hannah. I am thankful that I can share my story and be a voice for those who cannot speak yet. I’m thankful that Hannah’s life with help countless people through this blog/website and nonprofit.

I know you will not let Hannah be forgotten. I know that you are showing her a love greater than I can even imagine on this earth. I know she is safe in your arms. I know you will use her death to touch and help others who are on this journey of loss or who will be on it in the future.

We want You to be glorified through our personal journey of loss. We want people to know that You didn’t cause their baby to pass away, that there is just sin and evil in this world. We want people to know the love You have for them.

Thank You for always being there and accepting me even at my darkest times. I love You God.

Love Always,
Heather

Drowning in the Sea of Why – Day 11

Isaiah 43:2

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.

1. What questions remain unanswered about your loss?

Why did this happen to us?

Why do people who don’t want a baby get pregnant, have a healthy baby, and the just give him/her away?

**I don’t wish death on any baby. I think adoption is a wonderful and brave option. This is just my journey and a specific situation that affects my journey.

2. Are there resources, people, or professionals who may have answers? What steps could you take to seek solutions.

No. Only God can give the answers, but I am learning to stop focusing on the “whys” and focus on the “who,” God.

3. Like Job, we may never have our questions answered. How does that make you feel? It’s interesting to note in the book of Job that, in response to sixteen “whys,” there are fifty-nine “whos,” which refer to God.

Before it made me feel angry, but I realize God is there and He always will be. Even if I knew the “whys” it won’t change what happened.

The next time your ask “why” about your loss, consider changing the “y” in that word to “o.”

Questioning

Questioning: to cross-examine, doubt, dispute, examine, analyze, inquire


Is there is anything a sufferer needs, it is not an explanation, but a fresh, new look at God.

Don Bake, Pain’s Hidden Purpose
 
 
Clearly unless the Lord chooses to explain Himself to us, which often He does not, His motivation and purposes are beyond the reach of mortal man…. Many of our questions – especially those that begin with the word why – will have to remain unanswered for the time being.
 
Dr. James Dobson, When God Doesn’t Make Sense
 
 
As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.
 
 
Ecclesiastes 11:5

Husbands and Wives Grieve Differently – Day 10

Matthew 5:4

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.


1. God created you and your spouse different and unique. How does each of you express grief differently?

I read a lot about baby loss online or in books. I joined several private online baby loss support groups. I listen to songs that remind me of Hannah every single day. I want to talk about Hannah and most of the aspects surrounding her a lot.

Jason reads a little bit about baby loss online. Jason will talk about Hannah and most of the aspects surrounding her. Jason internalizes more. He can only take in so much before he is “full” and needs a timeout.

We both cry over Hannah. We both are sad over Hannah. We both love when people acknowledge Hannah. We both connected with Hannah. We both love and miss Hannah so much.

2. How has your loss created distance between you and your spouse? Drawn you closer?

Right after Hannah’s death we just had to recognize that we were grieving differently and that was ok. There really wasn’t any distance at all created between us. We have drawn closer together since we were given the fatal diagnosis and since Hannah died. We both lost our little girl. We both love her so much. Times that I am weak, Jason is strong. Times that Jason is weak, I am strong. We have kept God at the center.

3. Complete the following sentence: “I feel loved and encouraged when …” Write down all the ways you feel loved and encouraged and ask your spouse to do the same. Now exchange lists and encourage one another during the next week.

Heather:
you hold me tight and just let me cry.
you let me listen to the same songs over and over.
you listen when I talk about Hannah.
you bring Hannah up to me.
you take my hand and tell me it’s ok.

Jason:
you are close to me and nothing needs to be said.
you hug me and hold my hand.

4. Grief over the loss of your child will affect your relationship. Some marriages may become weakened from the stress, while others are strengthened by pulling together through adversity. Guard your marriage and seek help from your pastor, another couple who has survived the loss of a child, or a grief counselor.

We talk to a Christian counselor once a week. We have talked to our prayer pastor multiple times. We also talked to a pastor whose baby was also given a fatal diagnosis (She is 2 years old now! Thank you God!). We are so grateful to have the support, help, and guidance from these individuals. They have truly helped Jason and I stick together as a married couple during this devastating journey. They don’t rush our grief at all.

Happy-Sad Days – Day 9

Malachi 3:6

I the Lord do not change.

1. Take a few moments to reflect on your child. How old would he or she be now? What do you think he or she would be like?

Hannah would be about 2 1/2 months old. I truly believe she would have been a happy baby. That she would have such a beautiful smile. Hannah would have definitely been stubborn like me and her Daddy. But a sweet, sweet baby.

2. Certain dates ay trigger happy-sad emotions about your child. Some people may grieve these dates silently, while others find it helpful to express their grief through planting a tree or giving to a special cause in memory of their child. What is your plan?

I express my grief on certain dates like every month on the 23rd I buy Hannah an outfit and her Daddy buys her flowers, but on the 9th of every month I’ve grieved silently. I plan on expressing my grief.

3. Write a letter to your child in Heaven. Ask questions. Share your feelings.

Dear Hannah,

I miss you and love you so much. My heart aches to have you and my arms ache to hold you. But I know you are in the arms of God. You only know love and happiness. My sweet Hannah, do you know the impact your precious life has had on others? Do you know your short precious life made and is making a huge impact on this world? You have inspired me in so many ways. I Love you Hannah ❤

 
Love always,
Mommy